I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
