he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
