So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
