instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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