Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
