Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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