Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
