Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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