Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
