for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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