Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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