somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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