So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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