I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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