Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
