Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
