I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
