awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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