Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize