I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
