Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
