i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
