Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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