So drunk its hurt
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
