I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
