for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
