im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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