i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
