You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
