Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
