Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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