omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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