So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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