So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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