things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
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You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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