Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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