I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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