I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
