I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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