i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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