i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
