I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
