I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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