oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
