my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
