i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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