and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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