____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
