this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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