why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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