When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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